Why Can't I Break my Toxic Relationship?
- Helen Watkinson
- Dec 8, 2025
- 3 min read
Why does leaving a toxic relationship feel so impossible? You meet someone you click with, and everything seems great at first. Then, suddenly, things shift. They pull away, make you question the relationship, and leave you feeling confused. Just when you think it’s over, they come back with love and attention that brings an amazing rush. This cycle repeats, and you feel trapped, caught in a pattern that’s hard to escape. The problem is that toxic relationships create a kind of addiction fuelled by your brain’s chemistry. Understanding this can help you take steps toward breaking free.
How Toxic Relationships Hook You
The Unpredictable Reward System
In healthy relationships, rewards like love and attention are steady and reliable. In toxic relationships, these rewards come randomly. One day you feel loved, the next day you’re left guessing. This unpredictability makes your brain work harder to get the next “hit” of dopamine from this person, much like gambling. You keep hoping the next time will be better, releasing adrenaline from the stress, which strengthens the addiction. This emotional roller coaster of confusion and hope can be challenging to get off of because of the reward system being created in your brain!
Examples of Toxic Behaviours That Keep You Hooked
Recognizing toxic behaviours helps you understand why you feel stuck, most are designed to create confusion and instability. Here are some common examples:
Pulling away suddenly
Your partner might stop responding to messages or become distant without explanation. This leaves you anxious and trying to figure out what went wrong.
Making you question yourself
They might blame you for problems or say things that make you doubt your feelings, memories, or actions.
Love bombing
After a period of coldness (or a break up), they shower you with affection, gifts, or promises, creating a rush of happiness.
Gaslighting
They deny things they said or did, making you question your reality.
Inconsistent communication
Sometimes they’re warm and attentive, other times cold and unavailable, always on their schedule.
Why You Keep Believing It Will Work This Time
Every time your partner comes back with love and attention, your brain gets a hit of dopamine. This makes you feel hopeful and happy, even if the relationship has caused pain before. You convince yourself this time will be different. The adrenaline rush of thinking they’re returning to you adds to the excitement. Over time, this cycle strengthens your emotional addiction, making it harder to leave.
Steps to Break Free from a Toxic Relationship
1. Recognize the Pattern
Write down the behaviours that hurt you and how they make you feel. Seeing the pattern clearly helps you understand the cycle you’re in.
2. Set Boundaries
Decide what behaviours you will not accept. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them.
3. Limit Contact
Reduce or cut off contact with your toxic partner. This helps your brain stop expecting those unpredictable dopamine hits. Once you're out of the relationship, stay out by going no-contact in order to break the cycle once and for all.
4. Talk to someone who can be objective
Talk to trusted friends or family. Choose someone who will be honest with you but also be prepared to hear the hard truth. Support helps you stay strong and gain perspective.
5. Educate Yourself
Learn about unhealthy relationships and addiction. Understanding the science behind your feelings can empower you to make changes.
Moving Forward with Strength
Leaving a toxic relationship is a process. It takes time to heal and rebuild your sense of self. Remember, the addiction to the highs and lows is real, but it doesn’t have to control you. By recognizing the cycle and taking steps to protect yourself, you can break free and find healthier, more stable connections. You deserve relationships that bring steady happiness and respect.
Reach out to Renewed Hope for support at any point in your journey to breaking the cycle of a toxic relationship. We're here to support you and provide strategies that will help you move forward.
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